Half alive

My blog has been on hiatus since I-don't-exactly-know-when. I've been too busy in school that I no longer have time to relax, think deep and type it here. There's still two more weeks until I finally say hello to summer. School requirements have been piling up and I'm glad that I'm able to finish things one step at a time. There's still a handful of things to do but I'm keeping my hopes high that I'll survive the coming weeks. I still have a report for tomorrow, 2 exams, a mind map and a lot of reflection papers. Well, I think I better go back and keep myself busy. Still have loads of things to do! I will be back.

Maybe yes, maybe no.

If there's one thing that I badly need right now, it's time for myself. Time to think, to reflect and be alone. The Calatagan trip last weekend served as a stress reliever and great escape. Imagine the vast sky with infinite stars, the cold breeze that made us shiver, the waves rushing to meet the sand and the deafening silence. Gah. Very relaxing.

Monday came and I had to go back to reality. My close friend backed out and withdrew her candidacy. And there I was, devastated and half-hearted. The past few days, I've been going home so late and stressed out. I was having a strong feeling that I'll eventually burst and breakdown anytime soon. Last night, I felt all the stress sinking in and that's when I suddenly felt tears running down. I could no longer afford going home really late, spend almost the whole day campaigning and let my studies suffer. Again, I saw myself as the helpless little girl with nothing left to do but to breakdown and cry. All of the uncertainties and apprehensions flashed right before me.

A part of me badly wants to give up. I could no longer take all this stress! Nobody said it would be this hard. Can somebody take me back to the start?

Such great heights.

There comes a point in your life when you’re officially an adult. Suddenly, you’re old enough to vote, drink, and engage in other adult activities. Suddenly, people expect you to be responsible, serious… a grown up. We get taller, we get older. But do we ever really grow up?

-- Meredith Grey

There are days when I wish I could stick to this carefree and playful life forever. However, there are days when I wish I were strong and brave enough to accept responsibilities and tasks. I guess this pile of apprehensions in my mind is due to my fear of failure and rejection, which I think most of us have. It makes me want to stay in the gray side always and master the skill of playing safe. Gah, I wish I have enough courage to face this world.

Game of love.

This week, aside from being in the mall for 4 consecutive days, Paramore's The Only Exception has been on loop. I've already heard of it even before but last Monday, I just fell in love with it. My eyes were already closed; the cold wind from the air-conditioning unit was brushing through my cheeks and my iPod's Quiet Storm playlist was playing. Boyz II Men, Mayer Hawthorne and Bon Iver serenaded me and then Hayley Williams' came in next. My mind was clear and relaxed; every word registered vividly. Being the emotional girl that I am, I was touched and was already on the verge of tears. You may find it weird but whatever, I have always find comfort in crying. And the song is just so nice!

I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness

because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, you are the only exception

This week, 4 people asked me why I still don't have a boyfriend and they all left me flabbergasted. I honestly don't find something wrong with my independence and I'm quite used to it, actually. Oh, the joys of not having to worry about someone and adjust plans for that person. Plus, I'm spared from all the drama. Late last year, some of my friends told me that they remind me of Summer from (500) Days Of Summer because they think that I don't believe in love. I disagree. Really. I'm not cynical, thank you. And actually, if there's one thing I'm afraid of, it's forgetting how it feels like to love and to be loved.

One day, I know I'll wake up and at that time, I'll realize that I would want to settle down. Not the marriage, paying endless bills, have lovely children and have a family kind of way yet. But one day, I'll wake up and would finally want to get involved - romantically. I have always admitted how alluring it is to have someone you could send "Good morning, I love you." messages to, someone who'll drive you home, kiss you goodnight or simply someone you could share your day with. Love is such a big word and yes, I believe in it. It’s just that I'm just taking my time 'cos love comes when you're ready to embrace it for all it's worth. The right person will come at the right time and at the right reason and I swear, it’s gonna be awesome. Someday, I know I'll get to dedicate The Only Exception to someone but for now, I'll enjoy the happiness in this freedom.

I miss you quite terribly.

They say you’ll never know what you got until it’s gone. Tonight, I‘ve come to realize that that statement is so damn true.

I remember vividly that it was dinner time when my parents told me that I’ll be going to college in UPLB. I was in a total state of shock and instantly, tears fell down my face. I didn’t want to move away from home and I had a lot of fears and apprehensions running through my mind. However, I didn’t want to be a failure to them so I was left with no other choice but to study in UPLB.

College was all about freedom and independence. In my case, it was independence in its purest form. I had to pack my things, leave home and enter a completely different world all by myself.

My first week was filled with tears, depression and wishful thinking. This was evident in my school ID where my eyes were swollen and my smile was as sarcastic as it can get. I wasn’t used to sleeping alone, eating alone and even walking alone. I badly wanted to go back. To go back to the place I call home – real home. I can never forget how happy I was when my parents fetched me and I could finally see city lights and Manila chaos. The feeling was remarkable. Surreal but nice.

Countless of times, I prayed that I could leave UPLB and transfer to Diliman the following year. Time passed by so rapidly and the next thing I knew, I was saying goodbye to the place which my best friend used to call hell hole.

So why am I writing this? Why now?

It’s just that the past few days, I’ve been missing UPLB badly. I miss Westbrook despite the steep pathway and security issues. I miss my dorm room and my roommate even though she used to be away so often. I miss watching TV Patrol at the Westbrook cafeteria with Joyce, Hanah and Kianne. I miss our never-ending stories, gossips and simply them as the inseparable trio. I miss DevCom, my blockmates and the very homey environment in the college. Almost everyone knew each other and treated each one as family. I miss my Math11 buddies and how we chatted with each other and ignored Ma’am Doray’s lectures ‘cos we were too busy making fun of her fashion sense. I miss walking with Asher, Jayjay, Vladz, Judith, Kayla, Janna, Mike and Gabby after our Math class. I miss how much Danica and I despised our bellydancing class and our demanding professor. I miss Red Room lunches after Econ11 with Mike, Janna and Gabby. I miss Westbrook dinners with Nins and Elie. I miss going to the St. Therese Chapel every Thursday to hear mass and where I’d usually bump into Jayjay, Pam, Pat and Vane. I miss staying in for the weekend just to prepare and study with Jayjay, Vladz and Asher for the Math midterm exam. I miss seeing Jose and his weirdness which is in a cool kind of way. I miss going to Raymundo with my Diwatas every Monday afternoon to eat fish balls filled with e-coli. Haha. I miss playing TapTap2 in Francis’ iTouch and him walking me home while we’re singing She Will Be Loved out loud. I miss Asher’s apartment which served as my second home in LB. I miss the people, the place, everything. I miss you quite terribly, UP Los Banos.

As I end this note, a sad smile is etched into my face. I feel like I've taken that year for granted. I let everything pass by in front of me in just a blink of an eye. I wasn't able to cherish and savor the moment. I may no longer be in UPLB but the memories will forever be in my heart. I didn’t just learn to commute and to cross the street but I was able to call myself independent. Not everyone gets the chance to stay in a dorm, live alone and experience total freedom. Not everyone gets the chance to meet people who will change their life forever. I'm proud to say that I'm one of those people who got those chances. To this, I’ll always be grateful. UPLB, I hope to see you real soon!